James Lehman talks a lot about how certain parenting styles work with some kids and not others what makes parenting so tricky is that you may have the perspective that you acted out of love and respect, but the way your child experienced it may be a very different reality. It’s important to recognize that each member of the family will have a very different perspective on what’s it’s like to be part of that family. Ultimately, the child may feel that the relationship carries more hardship than benefit. The excruciating part for many parents is the not knowing they are often left completely in the dark as to why their child has chosen to end the relationship. Whatever the cause may be, it’s normal to feel a deep sense of loss and to evaluate all the possible reasons where you could have gone wrong. Even though it may seem unfathomable, an adult child has clear reasons in their mind why they may choose to discontinue communication with a parent. There are many different events and situations that can trigger this devastating decision.
Why would an adult child sever ties with his or her parents? There are different events and situations that can create conflict in families, some subtle and some more obvious, that serve as a strong undercurrent in the family dynamic-reasons like substance abuse, divorce, disagreements about boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses, and personality differences are all common struggles in the parent-child relationship. There is no denying that this accounts for some of these situations, but I know from my own experiences that it doesn’t cover all of them.
Let’s be honest, some people might assume that parental estrangement has happened as a result of neglect or abuse by the parent. Unfortunately, like many other parenting scenarios, parents are often under fierce scrutiny and are the target of judgment by the general public when this happens. If you’re in this situation now, whether or not you were aware of or suspected problems in the relationship, when cut off you were probably faced with a tremendous amount of pain, shame, and guilt. There have also been many stories shared with our parent coaching team by parents going through either complete estrangement from a child, or dealing with a child who is distancing themselves from the family. I’ve witnessed and have been affected by a parent-child relationship dissolving within my own family. “You can live with a broken heart, and you can die with one, but it’s terrible to have to do both.”
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